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MY ANXIETY AND I

Updated: Oct 10, 2019

My anxiety and I 

is the two more 

that make me and you three


it is her when I try to read between

words

trying

to read people’s faces 

and trying to 

fill up an empty spot 

that is filled only 

when the bottle is empty


I

am tired

of

trying

to find

what did I say wrong

and your message was 

1 word long

what did I do wrong 

and

I’m expected from everyone

to be strong



have


to be


strong


because I must have done 

something

wrong


I must have done

something

Wrong


and it is her when your raised voice

gives me crooked fingers

and it is her when I change my shirt 

two and three times

worrying for being looked at or being overlooked

and it is her when

I pinch myself 

to stay present 


I have to


stay 


present


my anxiety and I 

go hand in hand 

since the time me and my mom

were still at the same house 

and I had long hair

and a flat chest

and my worth was counted 

in grades

and it was 

just

not

good

enough

my anxiety and I take long walks at night

trying to breath in sync with a car’s alarm

because my mind said to do so

and if I don’t

then the car might explode

and it is her

when

I bite my gums

and when  

I bite my nails


DON’T BITE YOUR NAILS IRINNA

YOU ARE A WOMAN NOW!


and it is me and her 

pushing 

and pushing

the trembling voice down

and lifting higher and higher

my whole house on my shoulders

and the pain of my family

and the cigarette smoke

and the whiskeys

and the heartbeats with no rhythm

and all the 

“I am not ready to be with you”


ALL OF THEM ON MY SHOULDERS


and it is me and her now 

it is me and her now.

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