My anxiety and I
is the two more
that make me and you three
it is her when I try to read between
words
trying
to read people’s faces
and trying to
fill up an empty spot
that is filled only
when the bottle is empty
I
am tired
of
trying
to find
what did I say wrong
and your message was
1 word long
what did I do wrong
and
I’m expected from everyone
to be strong
I
have
to be
strong
because I must have done
something
wrong
I must have done
something
Wrong
and it is her when your raised voice
gives me crooked fingers
and it is her when I change my shirt
two and three times
worrying for being looked at or being overlooked
and it is her when
I pinch myself
to stay present
I have to
stay
present
my anxiety and I
go hand in hand
since the time me and my mom
were still at the same house
and I had long hair
and a flat chest
and my worth was counted
in grades
and it was
just
not
good
enough
my anxiety and I take long walks at night
trying to breath in sync with a car’s alarm
because my mind said to do so
and if I don’t
then the car might explode
and it is her
when
I bite my gums
and when
I bite my nails
DON’T BITE YOUR NAILS IRINNA
YOU ARE A WOMAN NOW!
and it is me and her
pushing
and pushing
the trembling voice down
and lifting higher and higher
my whole house on my shoulders
and the pain of my family
and the cigarette smoke
and the whiskeys
and the heartbeats with no rhythm
and all the
“I am not ready to be with you”
ALL OF THEM ON MY SHOULDERS
and it is me and her now
it is me and her now.
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